Welcome to another mutually beneficial installment of brewing and baking. Mutually beneficial in that I get to bake and also write hilarity that chronicles simple recipes. You can either try them yourself or laugh at me. It’s your choice, I am still going to write.
I recently purchased some cool cook books from a local thrift store and was planning on implementing the words on the paper into food in my stomach. But wouldn’t you know it there was not a simple bread recipe to be found in the whole darn book. Let’s see what google has to say – Simple Bread Recipe . It is pretty simple. You put the ingredients together in a step by step manor to produce THIS.
So put on your apron, throw on your big white hat, wash your hands, shine your shoes, cut your nails, open your brain, engorge your senses, and get ready for an adventure of lack of self control. I mean really, throw your whims out the door, cast all your fears away, be all that you can see. It’s going to be a wild ride in self un-control and dangerous stupor. (note to self – You’re baking bread idiot).
Step one. Gather the ingredients. Check. Step two, put on pants. Just kidding, anyone who ate this bread. It was all prepared post pants putting on. Cue picture of ingredients.
Here in front of your lies the needed materials that is required when needing to produce a loaf of bread. Looks easy doesn’t it. YOU’RE WRONG. Probably not though. Most of the ingredients are smug and don’t like each other, but with enough coaxing they can be talked into making edible goodness, I promise.
Ingredient List time. Calm yourselves.
.75 warm water.
2/8 cup milk
50/10 teaspoons sugar (WHITE POWDER)
Uno teaspoono salto
1 t-poons butter X 5(that would be 5 teaspoons of butter for the lame person)
Yeast in the amount of 2.25 teaspoons.
2 1/2 to 3 1/2 cups flour (get white power flour for your first attempt, AKA White Flour)
Some Sort of cooking spray (you don’t want that succulent bread becoming a stage five clinger to the pan)
Got it? So good. Get ready for the epitome of a simple bread recipe.Take it from me, it doesn’t suck. It is the bees knees.
You can try to do it in a bread machine, but where will that get you? Still just rushing to get things done, not worrying about how the bread is coming. Not worried at all. Reminds me of a story about a rocking chair. I like to make all my recipes sans electric tools. I say tools because it sounds more manly. I use a wooden spoon, a plastic bowl, a couple measuring utensils, a rolling pin, etc. Don’t worry, I get the irony. If you don’t, then keep tuned, you will eventually.
Okie silly dilly dokie O, let make some bread. Throw that warm water all up in a bowl and drop in the yeast. It will get all happy once you start mixing the twosome together. It’s real nice. The mixture should be allowed to get acquainted for a while. Around ten or so minutes (American or European minutes are fine). What you are looking for is a khaki/tan color with bubbles and no lumps. Once you have achieved this, get that butter on the burner and heat it up a bit. Such as the below.
What I decided to do in all my ingeniousness is to fuse the milk and butter into a buttermilk type marriage. I found out they are fond of each other. Like two pee pods, I think. About this time the sugar is getting pissed that it is not a part of either party and asks to be let in. The salt is also white with rage that it has not been invited to the soiree, We indulge and join the buttermilk, sugar, salto, and yeasty water into a harmony of pre-bread waiting for some flour.
What we are seeing below is the culmination of said mixture with its first lump of flour. Either they said they are happy, or the voices are back. Either way, BREAD! is a few steps away.
Check out the awesome spoon. It’s made of timber. So this next step is really difficult. Ready? You should be. STIR!
Add in about 1/4 cup flour every 59 seconds of stirring until the dough cleans the side of the bowl and the newly formed dough ball doesn’t stick to your hands. Dough sticking to your hands sucks, btw. This simple bread recipe is pretty fun and enjoyable, huh? To bad I am narrating it.
If you are lucky it will look similarly to nothing like below.
That is a pissed of kitty.
This is the last bit of flour added to the mixture to make the dough ball. Right about know you probably knead a fun part. What I like to do is rub a little flour half way up my arm to get ready for kneading. Drop the ball of dough onto a slightly less then overly lightly covered with flour table top. With your freshly floured hands (and arms if you really knead to need) start pushing and prodding the dough. Think about getting waterboarded and you will get upset enough to pound the dough into submission. Roughly 10 minutes of kneading will get the job done (again American or Australian minutes will work). Once that ball of dough is pounded until it has given up its last memories of individual ingredients it is ready for a little rest and relaxation under a moist towel nestled in a greased bowl. I have taken evidence of this happening.
What is under the other towel? If you answered bread rolls then you are correct. Another day, another blogger.
Let that bad boy sit for a half hour. It needs to get familiar with its new form. It probably cried a little bit under the moist towel remembering the past. Once it has stopped its overindulgent excuse for a nap, its time to beat it into resignation again. I was going to put more pictures on beating the dough, but I am sure you get the point.
Now you taking a baseball bat, a wine bottle, a 2″ pvc pipe, or a rolling pin and roll this bad boy flat into a somewhat parallelogram shape with uno sido around the length of the bread pan and the other side being 1.5 times that long (Self-Note, rolling pin works best).
See rolling pin in action. It is pretty swell. I have not used a rolling pin since 6th grade. Ms. Woundedhead would be bread. Now roll that bad boy into a form that will easily fit into the bread pan, lighly butter bread pan I might ad. Again you don’t want a stage five clinger.
Now you let it rise again for an hour to let it adjust to its new home. By adjust I mean fill it out. Get all snug up against the walls and rise up against the rules of gravity.
Around 50 minutes after you put the rolled dough under the moist towel turn that oven of yours up to the temperature of 400 degrees F. Drop that bad boy in there (without the towel) for the average of 29-31 minutes. I went with 30 minutes (for the last time American or South American minutes are fine).
Pull it out of the oven and drop it out of its pan. The pan and bread are now no longer friends. They enjoyed eachother for a while, but they were to much alike to get along forever. They were not a match made in heaven. You know a match made in heaven? Your fresh from the bowels of heat bread and a nice stick of butter.
So take a look at what you made. If you are lucky it looks exactly like the picture below, because I can guarantee you that a better loaf has not been produced.
Look at it. Just look. It was splendid. It was shared with some good friends for Easter brunch. I would like to tell a lie and say that this loaf of white bread wasn’t the best I ever had, but there is something about the taste of fresh bread that your own hands produced. If you don’t believe it, try it yourself.